frig. sinking heart.

he heard from his friend that i’m seeing someone. “congrats ! ” he yells.

tears rush up and are ready to burst. my heart sinks completely. WHY?! WHAT IS THIS ?!

what am i suppose to do? why can’t i let go? or have i ? why do i feel upset or whatever this feeling is then?

i hate you, for putting me through all this suffering. it’s like i finally feel the pain now. yet now i just sound like some emo kid. which i don’t want to.

i have letted go haven’t i ? i feel guilty. will my bf understand this if i told him?

why do i feel this way? what must i do … to truly fall in love again ? what have you done to me. . .

perhaps i’m wrong. it probably isn’t just you. you were probably another addition on top of all the past.

it just keeps adding on. n on.

i suffocate inside & out.

it’s over. done.

*deepbreath* . i could really just sum this up. but ya. it’s over. done. gone. i’m moving on.

it hurts. it hurted.

can’t talk to him like i use to. just not as fun no more. it’s not easy to just “be friends” again. and everything return to normal. not at all. oh well. what can i do. i tried.

so many things always remind me of him. my book im reading, there’s a character named jesse. the other day i brought up pokemon with a friend. reminds me of him. i hear a familiar song he’s sung. reminds me of him. when i blog. reminds me of him. reading his pm’s, thinking about then when i was part of them. reminds me of him. seeing interesting things at school, wanting to tell him. reminds me of him.

i hope he’s happy. i mean i know he is.

i could cry over this now. but … let’s not.

there’s a time and place for everything. i was in the wrong place at the wrong time. that’s all. nothing more.

goodbye.

day 12/13 – a new start ?

happy new year.. well just about. my brother was like … you have to send me that song ! the “for you whose gazing at the same sky” … and he kept replaying it in the car. and it reminded me of jesse.

n i came across one of the old emails that the dork just sent me .. a song. and just wrote a little “lavu yu” sigh*

ANd.. i was buying stuff today… and i saw a dork-lookalike -__- … which again reminded me of jesse. jesse .. jesse jesse. i wonder how he’s spending his new year.

i hope this year goes well for him. better a lot better. n i hope he figures out whatever he needs to with her. n i wish him the best.

i wonder if he still wishes.

i wonder if he ever still cares.

it’s hard to be friends like we use to. i just don’t know what to talk about anymore. it’s like i’m boring. which i probably am.

he’s beautiful. *smiles* i felt him close by my side last night while i slept.

so nice.

happy new year dork ! and i hope all goes well for you in 2010 !  <3 much love ~

day 11

worst day of my life. mom-related problems… and all this “xiao shun” stuff. =/ always gets me good.

don’t even feel like a person anymore. i feel like all the good has been stomped out of me.

wish you could be there to hold me, and let me cry until i’m all cried out.

wonders where u have gone to.

day 09/10

finally figured it out. it should be day 10 today.

sigh.

feels like … there’s too much trapped down inside… including this dork thing. needs .. to destroy something > < agurhg.

or perhaps swimming would help.

wonders what he’s doing.

day 08 – wishing he was here

got sick today shortly after shopping. ditched the movie alone.

wish he was there to keep me company when i was sick. even thought about texting him. but it din’t seem he’d care in the same way. friends, perhaps. but more?

just needing some TLC ~

Day 07 – loves cake more?

… the first post i wrote as day one says it was the 20th, which should be day 02. hm. i don’t know what happened. but yar. today would technically be day 07.

i log in skype automatically.. n his status that he din’t change cuz he doesn’t go on no more. “i like cake. Mmmm…But I love Vivian more<3 “  perhaps, it’s the other way aorund now. probably.

i miss. a lot. a lot.

wonder if he opened the gift yet.

Day 06 – with you

Again. It’s actually day seven time wise.

Merry Christmas love.
I feel like “miss you most at christmas time” by Mariah Carey right now.
The dork received the gift I sent him before we broke up.
He hasn’t opened it yet apparently. I dunno if it’ll fit him nicely or if he’ll even wear it. I don’t think it’s his style.
N my ugly stitching on it. Well. I sent it with love. N still.
I just hope he feels loved n is happy.
I hope he likes the roses n stars n hearts.

Hope u have a merriful Christmas dork<3

day 05

well. it’s kinda day 06 timewise, but that’s okay.

he was online today.

i was singing lucky while waiting for the bus in the freezing cold. it kept me warm.

& “for you who gazes at the same sky” keeps replaying in my head.

day 04 – i hate him

i hate him [period]

i don’t know why. i just… hurt today. to the max, i just hate hate hate. i want to destroy something. i think i need to get it all out. but what is there to get? i feel like a stone.

i feel like my heart was taken, and squished. SQUISHED !

i had another tense, lame, conversation with him today. felt like i was more of a bother, and my talk was useless. sigh.

last night however, i was having the worse stomach ache of my life. n i was in so much pain. i was gonna text him… n wish he could say something to distract me. or baby me, to make me feel better. but, sadly. it would not happen. so i didn’t bother.